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It’s Okay, Right?

Anyone who has seen me lately will probably have heard me talking about graduation. Anyone who has seen my facebook lately will have seen loads of graduation. Heck. even on my blog here graduation has been featured. Logically, it might appear as if I’m super excited about graduation, right?

Wrong. Okay. I’m excited, but I’m also super freaked. The future looms ahead. So many choices. Not a lot of time to make them. Find a job, right? right. The English major thing was a great idea. It really was. Now just to find a job where I can utilize all that I’ve been taught.

So, it’s okay to be freaked? People keep asking me what I want to do with my life. Well.. I don’t know. It’s like the spirit of The West Wing and that forever important question “What’s next?” In the show it represented unlimited possibilities of what was to come. The characters asking this after important decisions and resolutions being fulfilled. That’s what it feels like to me.

It doesn’t help that I keep having these moments of surrealism. Moments where I realize that the last of everything is coming. The last times I’ll make that trek from home to campus and back again. The last times I’ll get to see the whole of campus from the top floor of the library or hide out in the English majors lounge. The last times I’ll walk across campus in that early morning sunlight The last times for a lot of things, really.

I should be celebrating, right? such accomplishments. But it’s okay to have these moments? It’s okay to just feel utterly sad because I’m actually going to miss it? I’ve stopped counting the number of times I’ve almost broke down in the middle of class because of it.

And it’s hard to explain. Honestly, it is. Everyone else seems to be so upbeat and excited and I’m over here like “ummm. what to do with my life?” To me it feels like everyone expects me to be over the moon excited about graduation and instead all I really want is to wallow in the midst of the celebrating. Because it’s okay to have jumbled emotions, right? Doesn’t seem like it right about now.

Yes, I know. Graduation from college is huge. It’s an accomplishment, to be sure. But at the same time… it’s much too much for the moment. And it’s okay.

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