“People always leave.” — Peyton, OTH
“One of the hardest things you will have to do, my dear; is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive”
You know those quotes, besides the ones I have here, about being so close to someone and then waking up one day, and that person is a complete stranger? I’ve never realize dhow true those quotes are until recently. And I’ve never really understood how utterly painful losing someone that close to you can be. Even worse, I think that it hurts so much more because I saw it coming, months ago. Tried to steel myself for it. And it still causes all this grief.
Then again, this is the loss of friendship that comes slowly. Slowly enough that you don’t realize it’s gone until it’s gone.
I mean, you can’t just say goodbye to the people who you planned a book with? Based characters off of, with their permission? Stayed up all night with discussing plot twists and the who dun it? Yeah, apparently not. I read the pages I have with the characters and all their awfulness. All I have is this overwhelming sense of loss. Even if this book comes to fruition, I don’t think I’d find any enjoyment in it without them. I’m even tempted to start from scratch, just to see how far I can push the characters.
These are the people who I’ve stayed up all night with. People who know more about me than anyone, except maybe my sister. People who knew all of this stuff about me, and didn’t necessarily find me weird. They enjoyed picking my brain, and I loved learning from them. I so enjoyed getting them into books. Then we got each other into books, finding our own likes and dislikes. It’s hard these days reading books and just knowing that they’d love them but I can’t tell them because they won’t answer me back.
This was the rare people who could get me to get out of the house and do things. People who didn’t mind if I brought a book with me or spoke like some sort of educated something. Which, I can be when I want to be.
These are the good ones. I see them on social media. They’ve changed so much, into people I hardly recognize. And it hurts, seeing them without me. But they’ve made their choices, and I’m not a part of that. In a way, I don’t want to be because of who they’ve become. I don’t know them anymore and I don’t really want to.
So, I cry here on my bed. Wondering how they are. If they miss having me in my life like I miss them. The answer probably being no. I look at the happy smiling faces that belong to the pictures on my wall and wonder where we’ve gone. I’m tempted to rip them off my walls, tear them in half, burn them even. It seems wrong to have these pictures on my wall painting a lie of my supposedly happy, busy, wonderful life.
I have this futile hope that someday we can go back to the way things were. Yeah, pessimist me has hope. Even if I know that it’ll never be the same because things have happened, people change. What’s happened will have changed how we perceive each other, because it already has.
I feel like I’m at the bad end of a breakup – not that I would know. Listening to sappy music. Watching the episodes of my favorite tv shows that I just know will break me down in tears. Unable to read.
I guess, as this post suggests, I am indeed in mourning. Grieving. I know other friends will come along. I’m not completely delusional. But none quite like this, because friends like this are indeed rare. Friends that know you but still love you. Friends that encourage to be better than you are.
And I guess it’s why I don’t like having friends much in the first place. You get to know them, hand them your heart, and them BAM. This happens. Although, I guess this is one of the worst ways to lose a friend. Slowly, without realizing it. A change in life choices until no one knows each other anymore.
I miss my book plotting buddies. The people who would light every candle in the house for kicks at two A.M. The people I allowed in because they were awesome. I suppose I’ll always be grieving for them. There’s no way around that, I’m afraid. And it really, really sucks. But, life continues on. The world keeps spinning. I’ll find my way without them, even it probably won’t be nearly as fun. Then again, the others I’ve got in my life right now aren’t bad either. They’re just a different set of awesome.